For almost 4 years I tried to win your heart, invisible man. It has been a rough euphoria. Many times I have been shot through by doubt, attacked by ageism, sexism and hatred of foreigners. But I soldiered on, believing that love conquers all.
Are you a man who wants me but does not want me? Is there any other kind of man, my shadow love?
I wonder why I am drawn to shadow lovers. Perhaps there is a part of my heart that believes I do not deserve to be adored by someone who is actually here. There is also part of me that believes I am a siren. What in me are you attracted to?
I understand that you have seen my full humanity, and it has angered and frightened you. You have angered and frightened me. I have felt the same things you have felt.
At times my feelings have been totally disregarded, but my love has been strong. (Or maybe just stupid.) Sometimes a woman needs reassurance of faithfulness. (I believe, however, there is no such thing. It should not be an issue for me. How I wish I was free of caring too much.) I truly wish to believe in faithfulness and at the same time to detach.
I am foolish-renegade-wild brave, but I am not stupid. This can be exhausting. On the other hand, I am watching your bondage to obsolete and cruel traditions destroy you. Or me. Destroy us, for sure.
I realize now, dear shadow, that I cannot take on an entire nation. I can no longer win millennia of hollow hearts with wise words, charm, ambassadorship or arguing. There is no jump-starting hearts that have been dead for five thousand years.
And so, in despair, I back off. I give up.
And forever long to hear the vibration of the damn I phone.
(This fictional post regards lonely women who are victimized by online predators.)